Anniversary weekend recap

This weekend was my (former) wedding anniversary. Friday Steph and I went to Raffi's on 5th in Naperville where I dropped a hundo on a decidedly average meal. It was not the worst time ever but not the best either- a bit awkward. Saturday I helped her move into her new apartment with the new guy, Chris. This was decidedly much more awkward. I did most of the work while these 2 guys sat back and smoked cigarettes. Then I had to watch her jumping up and down and being jubilant about the new apartment and this new start...while it didn't really seem like he was. But that's just my impression. My body is still pretty sore from it, but my head and heart are much more hurt. Why is it that it's been a year and a half since my divorce and yet I'm still crying every day about it. When will it end.

State of the union address

So it's Friday afternoon on a Labor day weekend. I'm going out with Christina tonight to some concert but aside from that my weekend is very much open and free. It's gorgeous weather out so I'm contemplating a number of activities: there will be baseball on for sure. My movie I need to watch. I want to go to Whole Foods and get a nice steak and cookout one day. I'd like to have a fire. Get some stuff done around the house. So despite having to hang with Christina tonight- which I still think will be fun in any case- it should be fun.

Now then, as far as relationships go. Currently, I'm gaging how dumping Christina is going to go. I sense it could be messy. My plan is to go out tonight then draft a nice email sometime over the weekend explaining things. Or, if I'm feeling extra bold I'll get rid of her tonight. I think she's nice and friendly enough...but I don't think we have enough in common for a true long term relationship and while our relationship is "supposed" to be casual and just hanging out every now and then, I have the strong feeling she doesn't feel the same way. It's been about a month now since our first date, so I don't want to drag it out much longer.

Stephanie....I haven't spoken to Stephanie since Monday morning, the day after our bad Sunday. This situation continues to depress me day after day...I guess if I found some way to reconcile everything, some way to make myself feel better about it I'd be living a much better life. But I think even if I knew Stephanie was 100% happy with herself and her life, I'd still be miserable. I really really struggle communicating with her. I want to tell her all these things...I know the ship has sailed, etc....the dogs are just one part of it too. Today is Friday and marks the 1 month anniversary now of the spat w/ her over Christina coming over. I can't believe it's been 1 entire month already. And in that one month I've seen my dogs exactly once, for about 4 hours total. All this over me not telling her some girl was coming over to the house. On one hand, I just want to throw myself at her- do anything she wants- just anything. On the other hand, I still think she's being ridiculous and bitter and still mentioning the Samanta thing from like 6 months ago. I guess I feel if she wants to take care of the dogs forever, have them at her moms house- all that- to punish me or spite me- have at it. Just so you all know- i'm not a victim of course...i lied and i withheld information. But I didn't want to hurt Stephanie at all...I don't want to be dating Christina...if it were up to me I'd be going to the concert with Stephanie and playing a game with Stephanie. It's just gotten to the point where it's consuming me. I'm hoping over the weekend I'll be able to cool off a bit, maybe connect with her and at least get back to where we were.

Missing things

I was just thinking in the past 4 years, I've lost the following:
-my 2 best friends. one to school in another state, the other to the Army
-my brother and his family, to 5 hours away
-my old job and those job friends, in favor of a job with no friends and that is soul crushing and depressing
-my wife
-my dogs

I feel so defeated. I feel like a horrible person and I can't do anything right.

Our Future

I was driving last night around 11pm through some highway construction in which 3 lanes merged into 1. It was some nightly, overnight lane closures that from my experience are not all that uncommon. As sat there in gridlock at 11pm frustrated, I began to think. How many of our roads are under construction right now? It seems like almost everything is now. Our infrastructure is crumbling. Practically all roads are in need of some kind of repair. Even ones that are not really all that old. Our schools are cramming more children into each class as teachers are laid off or forced into early retirement. Bridges are failing. These are not small issues. They are the very basis by which we conduct our lives every day...the roads we travel on, the internet we use to obtain timely information, the people who are grooming our youth for the future. In some ways since my divorce I've been sad I'll likely never have children. It was never a driving force in my life to procreate yet at the same time I admit some sadness about never having someone come from me. But...at the same time I feel like the future is so grim, so void of any hope that bringing children into the world would be almost cruel. You can make the argument that child could become President of the US or cure cancer and that's certainly possible. It's just that when you see everything around you falling down, it doesn't give you much hope.

Dogs, sad

There is really nothing else to be said. Today is the 17th and I haven't seen the dogs since the 6th. I really miss them. A lot. It was absolutely beautiful outside yesterday and instead of taking a walk and going to the dog park I got high and watched Family Guy and ate fast food.

Annoying tweets

I canceled my Twitter account, a few months after canceling my Facebook account. That doesn't mean I still can't stalk other peoples Twitter accounts. And I have to say, the most annoying 'style' of tweet is the one that goes like this:

Dear _______
I hate (or love) _________

Signed,
______ (the tweeter)

STOP IT. Just stop. It's not clever or funny.

Tribute to the snake oil salesman

I have to hand it to Len. See, Len is my co-worker. Here at Dart, there aren't departments and nothing really functions like a "normal" company. So Len does a lot of different things....wears many different hats if you prefer a cliche. As we all do. But Len is best at being Len. And that's being a shyster, a filibuster, a con artist. I mean that with the utmost respect. I've seen Len diffuse a situation where a customer is really pissed off by talking about a fishing trip. Sometimes I sit there and to be honest, it offends my sensibilities. It's an insult to my intelligence. But there he is, plugging away. He does what he does and he's good at it. God bless him